How to be a Good Friend to Someone who has Cancer

First, a disclaimer, I do not even pretend to be able to understand what it’s like to have life threatening cancer. I refuse to insult those who do by likening my experience to theirs. I am fortunate to fight this battle without the possibility of losing. There is endless hope, although sometimes hard to see, at the end of my fight. I have been diagnosed with a treatable form of thyroid cancer, and for the “treatable” I am grateful.

When I set out to write this, I was writing a “10 things no one told me about cancer” post. And while I think some of those notes are valid, I wasn’t happy with that structure—it was a bit too “woe is me” for my liking. So you’ll find that list scattered throughout this list.
When this struggle began, I wasn’t expecting to receive or need so much support from my friends. I recognize how naïve that might sound, but the fact is, I was assuming the struggle came from the mental challenges more than the physical, and I wasn’t anticipating having a challenging mental struggle. I learned it was a combination of both.

This list is a tribute to the amazing and consistent support I have received from a couple specific friends and a catch all for everything any of my friends have done for me these last 2 months.

How to be a good friend to someone who has cancer:

1) Ask questions, but don’t pry

If you are a close friend, and you friend is open, ask questions. Try to learn more and understand more about the disease and the specific challenges your friend is facing. It can be isolating going through this and trying to process and understand and keep track of all the information coming at you. It’s easy to feel like no one you are close to understands.
If you are not a close friend- be careful not to pry. It can be exhausting recanting all the details—and a lot of it is very personal.

2) Hugs- high quality and high quantity.

Okay, maybe you don’t have to hug them all the time. But you should definitely find out how they best receive love (Physical touch, affirmative language, acts of service, quality time, or gifts) and show them appropriate levels of love. If you’ve ever read about the 5 Languages of Love by Dr. Gary Chapman or taken the test you’ll understand a bit more of where I’m coming from. But I’ll just say that I’ve gotten through many a rough days by the grace of hugs and kind words.

3) Be aware of the fears

There are many fears that come along with having Cancer- beyond life and death. Some that plague me:

Feeling Alone- silly when I’m talking about all the great friends I have. But I’m mostly afraid of being alone when I get home from the surgery or later that weekend, when I’m feeling better, but not good enough to go out. I’m a people person and I gain energy from being around people I love.

The Bills- I am blessed with amazing health insurance, but unfortunately these types of things cost money. Even the most affordable co-pays and prescription costs add up after a few months of treatments, then pre-operations appointments and post-operation medications and follow-ups. I’m afraid of not being in control of my financial situation, and bummed about cutting my social spending to cover my health. In the large scale, I know that I am blessed to be able to afford this, but if my car breaks down or another large expense comes my way, I may not be so lucky.

The Aftermath- I went to the doctor not expecting cancer was the root of my health problems. So I am afraid that this might not fix the problems I was having, there’s only a 75 percent chance that it will. I’m so afraid that after beating cancer I’m going to have to continue pursuing treatment for my thyroid, for weight problems and for depression.

Time- I’m afraid of what I’m missing out on by having to slow down at this pivotal time in my life. This is the time for hard work, risk taking and adventures. I’m worried that it will be difficult to get my groove back.

4) Be patient

Have you ever had a headache for a couple days or a sore joint? By the third day do you notice that you’re a little cranky, impatient, more tired than usual? Imagine that as your reality for a few months. I am unbelievably grateful for my friends that have put up with my mood swings, irrational emotions and general crankiness.

For a normally energetic and generally positive person, this type of constant mental and physical exhaustion is frustrating, confusing and limiting.

5) Be understanding without claiming to understand.

6) Be Aware

While it’s unlikely that you will be thinking about the disease or its effects often, it is on the forefront of your friend’s mind often. Just keep that in mind.

If there is anything I can say to conclude my thoughts on the ability to overcome these struggles it is that there is no anti-nausea medicine or therapy better than the support and love of a few good friends.